Falling Into Failure

I spent an entire year falling into failure.

Not away from it, but straight into it. 
It’s like I asked for it. And I guess I did.

In January of 2018 I found myself in a state of complete darkness. Everything from the outside looked shiny and new, beaming with success and happiness. But behind my bedroom door, I sobbed. I sobbed and I sobbed and I sobbed some more.

You see, I’m a born people-pleaser. I’ve been known to say “yes” just so I wouldn’t hurt someone else’s feelings. I’ve even agreed to tattoos I didn’t love because I didn’t want to tell the artist, “No”.

I know. GIRL, I KNOW! But it’s just who I am. Or who I always thought I had to be.

I spent December preparing for a new year. I was focused, I was driven, and I was going to take over the world. I had a plan, and I had the vision board to prove it. I just knew it was my time, and I had never felt more prepared to take my calling to the next level.

I woke up on January 1st, bright eyed, opened my phone, and I was instantly defeated.I let my peers’, and my community’s perception of me (lack there of, if we’re being honest) wreck me.

Wasn’t I good enough? Why wasn’t I cool enough?
Why didn’t they see me?
Why wasn’t I respected?

I questioned everything. I mean everything. I felt like everything I thought God was calling me to was a mistake. Had I heard Him incorrectly?! Was I that naive and clueless?And I let that one instance, that one tiny blip in my life, shoot me down a spiral of deception and disappointment.

I prayed, I begged God to give me an answer to my purpose. I prayed that He would open doors that were made for me, and close ones that weren’t.

And so He did. That same week, I lost every single client I had. Every. Single. One.

Defeated. Broken. Shot further down the spiral.

As someone who laid all validation in the hands of those around me, I felt empty-handed and abandoned.

I started to drink. And I continued to drink. Night after night, constantly in a state of blurred memories and lost conversations.

Until I woke up, six months later, and for the first time in my life, I said “NO”.

No to my toxic relationship with wine. No to friendships that were dragging me down. No to situations that sucked the life out of me. No to good people that did not serve me and my family.

I said “Yes” to therapy.
Yes to community.
Yes to my family.
Yes to my Heavenly Father, and His plan for me.

The biggest failure I faced, in turn, gave me the most beautiful rebirth.

I HAD to lose everything I had worked for. I had to fail. I had to fall down over and over and over again, just so I could get back up. Because as I rose out of that darkness, as the validations, the expectations, and the addictions washed off of me, I became this woman.

And this woman is strong. This woman knows who she is and Whose she is. 
This woman can face failure again and again and continue to thrive because it will never break her.

Beautiful soul, failure is not final. Failure is an incredible opportunity to start again. Trust that.

Love, An imperfect woman full of joy and gratitude

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Becca is a wife, mama, personal trainer, and is passionate about connecting the community of Nashville. She feels that God has called her to live out her purpose by empowering women through movement, encouragement, and through her own struggles and victories!

Photo by @nikkeryner